Thursday, January 13, 2011

Eternal Sunshine of a spotless mind!

Well known as the name of a movie, at least for those who were with me during my final year of BTech at CECRI. I watched this movie several times; was not much impressed though I liked the storyline.

Out of the blue sky, I was like, 'What has happened to me...?!'

Certainly, Nothing...! I'm perfectly okie!!

But then, something kept me perturbed. I decided to give it some time. I was trying to understand the problem - seemed something like I didn't have any problem to worry, despite a bulk! It was a kind of selfishness, that was eating me up. Somewhere in the nook, I could feel I was selfish, but on the whole, I didn't want to wake up to it and just tried to keep on with my chores.



What do I do?

  • I earn something to live.
  • I enjoy my time watching movie (- merely searching our experiences in someone else's dream)
  • I do my work with whole of my heart; don't lose a minute in despair
  • I feel happy taking a sip or bath in alcohol, at the weekends
  • I feel contented in finding a way out to share my father's yoke

But then, I have a huge list that I don't do!

  • I forget to be, what I wanted to be (By the way, what I wanted to be is a separate part of this session!)
  • I prefer being deaf to my senses that alarmed my weight. I never took it serious. I don't want to be gorgeous but then, I know I'm not comfortable this way
  • At the end of the day, I remember that I forget my friend's birthday
  • I know I don't love termites, but still I forget to keep my books away from it. Have put a number of books on the rack - procrastinated for more than an year now!
  • Above all this, I am deprived of access to the society - rather a self-implied-deprivation ensuring myself being fresh the next day - I almost lost the idea of social living!
What I wanted to be?

Fact is 'I don't know!' - rather, i had too many. 

Why was I like that? - Baaaaaaammmm... Wrong Question!

There was only one problem that I could see - I liked everything when I didn't like anything. I was becoming adaptive to anything. A series of failures (of course, not really, but as I saw it) made me take anything, as it comes. I have lost my own idea of being myself.

Then, what is the problem...? There is exactly not any problem and that was the problem.

Conclusion


Lets end the show! It is a conflict between the reality and surrealism.

Reality is my awareness to take care of myself and those who rely on me. Reality owed me a gift - the fear of the choice I make.

Surrealism lies with the ways I find to make myself believe that I still have the freedom of choice. It is the part that I enact to fight my guilt.

I understood that Guilt is more dear than the surrealistic approach to kill the Guilt!