Thursday, January 13, 2011

Eternal Sunshine of a spotless mind!

Well known as the name of a movie, at least for those who were with me during my final year of BTech at CECRI. I watched this movie several times; was not much impressed though I liked the storyline.

Out of the blue sky, I was like, 'What has happened to me...?!'

Certainly, Nothing...! I'm perfectly okie!!

But then, something kept me perturbed. I decided to give it some time. I was trying to understand the problem - seemed something like I didn't have any problem to worry, despite a bulk! It was a kind of selfishness, that was eating me up. Somewhere in the nook, I could feel I was selfish, but on the whole, I didn't want to wake up to it and just tried to keep on with my chores.

What do I do?

  • I earn something to live.
  • I enjoy my time watching movie (- merely searching our experiences in someone else's dream)
  • I do my work with whole of my heart; don't lose a minute in despair
  • I feel happy taking a sip or bath in alcohol, at the weekends
  • I feel contented in finding a way out to share my father's yoke

But then, I have a huge list that I don't do!

  • I forget to be, what I wanted to be (By the way, what I wanted to be is a separate part of this session!)
  • I prefer being deaf to my senses that alarmed my weight. I never took it serious. I don't want to be gorgeous but then, I know I'm not comfortable this way
  • At the end of the day, I remember that I forget my friend's birthday
  • I know I don't love termites, but still I forget to keep my books away from it. Have put a number of books on the rack - procrastinated for more than an year now!
  • Above all this, I am deprived of access to the society - rather a self-implied-deprivation ensuring myself being fresh the next day - I almost lost the idea of social living!
What I wanted to be?

Fact is 'I don't know!' - rather, i had too many. 

Why was I like that? - Baaaaaaammmm... Wrong Question!

There was only one problem that I could see - I liked everything when I didn't like anything. I was becoming adaptive to anything. A series of failures (of course, not really, but as I saw it) made me take anything, as it comes. I have lost my own idea of being myself.

Then, what is the problem...? There is exactly not any problem and that was the problem.


Lets end the show! It is a conflict between the reality and surrealism.

Reality is my awareness to take care of myself and those who rely on me. Reality owed me a gift - the fear of the choice I make.

Surrealism lies with the ways I find to make myself believe that I still have the freedom of choice. It is the part that I enact to fight my guilt.

I understood that Guilt is more dear than the surrealistic approach to kill the Guilt!